What happens in vegas, Bites you in the ass
by GleeksintheFutileEra
Summary: " You crashed the custard truck?"" You know it. I put Lil' Wayne in the orchard!"Haha, yea. Wait Lil' Wayne? Who the hell is that?""You know, Lil' Wayne.""I don't think I do!"
1. Gives You Hell

My friend and I decided to work on a new Puckleberry fanfiction! Tell us if you enjoy and want us to continue to write it!

* * *

><p><strong><span>Prologue<span>**

"Explain," Mike sighed, glaring at his pissed groomsmen. Noah Puckerman opened his mouth to speak only to be interupted by none other than Rachel, anal control freak, Berry.

"Well, I was merely minding my own business, when this shovanistic pig decided to waist everyones time by talking." She smiled "but never you fear. I Rachel Barbara Berry have got it all under control."

"Seriously," Puck growled "do you even listen to yourself when you say this bullshit." Spinning on her heels, she peered up at the much taller man.

"As a matter fact, I do. Atleast I don't just say whatever dumb thought that pops up in my mind." He laughed.

"Well I feel bad for you, becouse your comebacks **suck**. You sound like old english teaching hag, hopped up on smarties."

"Smarties?"

"You know that candy. Oh I forgot, prudes don't enjoy anything sweet."

"What does me being a prude have to do with anything?"

"AH-HA!, you do admit to being an old and boring prude afterall!" She practualy roared in frustriation. This guy, whoever he was, had to be the biggest most egotistical bastard on the planet.

"Well, your stupid." His jaw clenched.

"**I'm not stupid, you litt-"**

"Woah, woah, woah, stop the jew on jew violence." Mike chuckled at his own joke, completely ignoring the blatant stares of the three unamused faces before him.

"Mike honey," Brittany cooed. He wiped the tear from his eye.

"Yeah babe," he said enthusiastically.

"Shut up." He nodded. Disregarding her adorable husband who now looked like a wounded puppy, Brittany centered all her attention on the culprates of this catastrophy.

"This is how its going to go," she spoke like a parent, chastising a pair of disobedient children. "You will not and I mean **not** do this today. This is my happy reception and I would appretiate it if you two grew up at least enough to make me not want to kill you."

"Yes ma'am."

"Now, behave like good little kids and get along." With that, she left the two to wallow in there own self pity.

It was true, Rachel hated to admit it, but something about the cocky male that reduced her into a twelve year old. How was it possible that someone of his IQ always had something elst to say. He had to have the last word. Almost as bad as she did, which was one of the reasons why she was still standing next to him. Rachel opened her mouth to resolve the situation once and for all, but Puckerman beat her to the punch.

"Why don't we just call it truce for now and get a drink or somthing." She scoffed.

"Wow, you actually are capable of being mature." Hazel eyes burned with a whole knew light.

"I'm trying to be nice and you're insulting me?". Her eye twitched.

"We're not friends. I don't have to be cordule to you and I'm not gonna pretend to be buddy buddy with a person I despise."

"You really are more of a bitch than I even thought." Rachel took a step closer to the seething machanic. He seemed to tower over her, his broad shoulders stiff with anger.

"Your more of an idiot than I thought, but then again, I really shouldn't be that suprised based on you're simplistic vernacular." he rolled his eyes

"If you actually think that a couple of words makes you smart, than you're real ignorant."

"**If i'm ignorant, than you're an ass."** He clapped, his intire being emminating a condisending aura.

"_What stellar vernacular. I'm flabbergasted by the implication of me being a donkey's_ rump."

"Are you making fun of me?"

"Double-u-Oh-Double-u, and I'm the idiot?"

"Why are you even still here, you jerk?"

"I just love giving you hell!"

"Dick!"

"It's huge. Wanna see?"

"You disgust me."

"Love you too babe," He blew her a kiss and grinned as she stormed off in pure rage.

* * *

><p>SO TELL US WHAT YOU THINK AND IF WE GET ENOUGH RERVIEWS WE WILL DO MORE!<p> 


	2. Last Name

Thanks for the reviews from the last chapter. We hope you enjoy this one. It's ridiculous!

5

4

3

2

* * *

><p><strong>Last Name<strong>

It all started with a worm. Something barely even noticible would inevitably be the ruin of her.

A headache far vicious than anything she had ever excperienced raked over her, maliciously ripping her from the comfort of sleep and into bitter reality. She whimpered, rubbing her wound with a shaky hand, all the while, using the other to pull the soft linin sheets further over her head in an attempt to block out the god awful light that filtered the entire room. She just needed five hours, five long hours to rest, then maybe she'd be able to get out of bed without her brain throbbing. Actually, she just wanted to make it to the bathroom without A) throwing up, B) feeling any sort of physical pain and C) moving, yeah... she really didnt want to have to move at all. That was until she heard it, the distinctive sound of a males cough.

Rachel paled. _**Oh God, where are my clothes?**_

She didnt want to look over, she just wanted to stay laying on her side and pretend that the last fourteen minutes of her life weren't real, but the Berry in her nagged her to see for herself what was next to her. _**Think Rachel, what happened last night.**_ She closed her eyes, willing her frazzled mind to pick up on anything that transpired the night before._** I was pissed off at that jerk so... I took a walk.**_ She smiled as the memories started to come to her. _**I had gotten clear across the room when I grabbed a drink from the bar...**_ she gassped.

**"No Berry, don't eat...", **It was the last thing she remember before everything went black. Noah Puckerman telling her that she had eaten **The Worm.** Looking to her left, she slowly pulled the cover from her sleep filled eyes and solidified her worst nightmare. Noah lay next to her, his face, completely relaxed in sleep and his body completely and utterly naked. _**Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, OKAY. Focus Rachel... all we have to do, is just get up and leave. **_

She smiled in relief. Soon this train wreck would be all over and she could get back to her normal life, with Jesse and Patti LuPone (her dear, viscious, but loving cat.) Forgetting the pain in her head, she mannage to sit up, but the sudden movement caused the object of her eternal hatred to stir. He rolled to his stomach, wrapping an arm around her hips and disgusting her all over again.

"That's it", she growled, pushing him off of her. "WAKE UP!".

* * *

><p>There were three things Puck hated in this world. Being called stupid, loud nagging chicks, and Rachel 'Fuckin' Berry. Somehow though, all three of these things seemed to be his wakeup call. "WAKE UP, you stupid arogant bastard". He frowned, cracking open a hazel eye and peering at the clock that read 6:48 am. This in itself pissed him off, simply for the fact that it was too damn early in the fucking morning to listen to her bitching.<p>

And boy, was she just going at it. Honestly, Puck didn't even know what she was saying; every word just came out in some kind of gurgled roar. Had she not been naked and inadvertedly flashing a full shot of her tits (nice, perky tits) he would have actually argued back. Instead, he just stared at her, wating until she realised that she was turning him on. It was something about an angry Berry and the combination of knowing just how freaky she was, that had him wanting to just Fuck her until she shut the hell up, or maybe until she screamed something more apropriate, like his name. Matter fact, he could think of alot of ways he could put her big mouth to good use.

A slanted smirk crawled onto his face. "Oh, so this is just some big joke to you?".

"What?".

"You took advantage of me". Puck sat up.

"Trust me Rachel, I may be alot of things, but a rapist is definately not one of them."

"So what would you call taking advantage of me without my permission?" Puck's jaw dropped in shock.

"First, let's get one thing straight, you came on to me. Second, I would never force someone into doing something like that."

"I would never come onto someone like you. I don't even like you." Rachel folded her arms across her chest, and that's when she realized she had been unknowingly naked this whole time. " OH MY GOD," she astonished, trying, unsuccessfully, to pull the sheet over her nude body, as Puck was all twisted up in them.

Finally she stopped struggling. "Do you mind," she looked pointedly at the sheet.

Puck, still staring at her tits, answered with an amused smile. "Nope. They are actually pretty hot. I could look at them all day." Face now ten shades of red, Rachel grabbed the nearest pillow in an attempt to cover herself.

"Perve." he shrugged.

"So?"

"You disgust me."

"And you never know when to shut up, Berry. It's a shame too, because that mouth of yours is the only thing keeping you from being attractive." She ignored the fact that he had insulted her and decided to focus her attention on the bra currently splayed across the carpet floor. _What did we do?_ She wondered, letting her gaze survey the small space. Her dress, lay crumbled on the floor just in front of the doorway and each shoe seemed to be on opposite sides of the room, leaving her guessing whether they were thrown into thier current position or if she and Noah had just strayed into a different area during... intercourse.

This was horrible, what if he was telling the truth and she had, in fact, drunkenly came on to him like the cheap whores she would always promise herself never to be during college. The thought left her feeling ill, but not as much as the unsettling truth that she had still yet to determine where her underwear were. And of course, this would mean that she'd have to indure the walk of shame, pantiless. _What would Barbara do?_ _Think Rachel, think!_ The answer came to her in an instant. in a rush of passion, she'd pounce on him, Making sweet love until the pleassure was too much for the both of them. The thing was she hated him and was not going to toss all her morals aside by, doing _that_. So Rachel did the next best thing.

She panicked.

In a last attempt at gaining just a small morcel of control, she slapped Puck across the face and stormed out of the room.

* * *

><p>Noah Wayne Puckerman, stared after Rachel in complete and utter shock. <em>Did she just... slap me? <em>The thought was answered with a burning sensation that seemed to resound on his now red cheek. This was un-fucking-believable. He gave her what had to be the best night of her life and in return, not only did she forget, but she actually hit him?

Had he not been a man, he would have chocked the life out of her, but his mom had tought him better. Not to mention he couldn't imagined harming another Jew, even if she came in a five foot, two package of pure evil, but he could take his anger out on the asian bastard who got him into this mess. Mike-Fucking-Chang, former best friend.

"Hello", Came an all too disgustingly chipper voice after the first ring. Puck rolled his eyes.

"Dude, do you have to be so happy?" There was a pause for a minute, almost as if the taller man was actually thinking carefully on whatever his answer was.

"Yeah", Puck scoffed.

"You know what? Screw you. I'm waist deep in bullshit and it's all your fault."

"Come again" Mike was confuesed. What the hell was going on with Puck that would cause him to be such a dick.

"I banged Rachel", nodding, the asian calmly began to speak., but all was interupted by the shreek that came from the bedroom. "Well, looks like Brittany is up."

* * *

><p>Brittany was a pretty resonable person, but if you could ask what the one thing that aggrivated the blond to no end was. It'd be the mornings. She Loathed every part of them, specially since it was already difficult to enjoy sleep with an annoyingly bright sun, beaming in her face. So when Rachel Berry called at nine o-clock, it was needless to say that the dancer was pissed.<p>

"What", she growled viheminately into her phone, covered in sky blue fur.

"Brittany." It wasn't the fact that it was Rachel that woke Brittany, but the tone of her vioce. Normally, in Brittany's opinion, her best friend sounded strong willed. Today however, each sentence sound like a broken sob. Sitting up in the large bed, the blond sat up.

"Rach, you okay?" The woman in question didn't answer. She merely further succeding in worrying her now anxious friend.

"I did something really, really bad." Brittany paled.

"What happened!", she demanded an answer. Rachel sniffled.

"I slept with Noah."

"You what!"

* * *

><p>"Yeah dude. Me and Berry did the Nasty"<p>

"So you telling me, you two did the horizontal tango?"

"Yeah, a bit of the old 'N' and out"

"You bumped ugly's?"

" Yup, the Indiana boner in the tunel of poon"

"So you guys found a snake in the furry tool shed?"

"Got my wand waxed in the tampon tunnel"

"You speared the wisker bisciut?"

"Yeah man, I was slamming the flesh column into the meat crease"

"Huh, the beast with two backs."

"Yeah, I pollished the skin-flute with a fish mitten."

"Wow, you irrigated the stench trench."

"I'm the boy buttering up the ol' crotch waffle."

" You crashed the custard truck?"

" You know it. I put Lil' Wayne in the orchard!

"Haha, yea. Wait Lil' Wayne? Who the hell is that?

"You know, Lil' Wayne."

"I don't think I do!"

"Dude, LIL' WAYNE! Think about it!

"Whatever man. So you slept with Rachel, huh?"

Puck rubbed his hand over his head in frustration. "Yea man."

"And."

"And. What do you mean and?"

"And I saw that coming so what else happened?"

* * *

><p>"I slept with Puck!, I can't believe that I did it and I regret it so much. And you know who's to say it really happen. I don't remember it happening, and it could just be a coincidence that I woke up naked and in bed with him." Rachel took a deep breathe before she stared again. " And I-"<p>

"Okay. Chill the fuck out! God rachel, it's nine-o-clock in the morning." Brittany sat up in bed and stretched. "So, tell me everything that happened."

* * *

><p>"Well first off, she got piss drunk off of one shot, man."<p>

"How the hell did that happen?"

"She ate the worm!"

Mike threw his hands up in defeat." Man how the hell did that happen. C'mon Berry, I was rootin' for ya. Why would she do that?'

"That's the thing man she didn't know about the worm."

* * *

><p>"How did you not know about the worm?"<p>

Rachel stood up and started pacing the bathroom floor. "I don't go out and drink like you guys. I don't really know about all of this kind of stuff."

"Okay, so what happened next?"

* * *

><p>"Well, I put it on her. I don't understand how she doesn't remember anything."<p>

"Sooo, you took advantage of her?"

* * *

><p>"Yea. He totally took advantage of me. If I was so drunk that I can't even remember what happened, then that means he took advantage. Then he had the nerve to say that I initiated it."<p>

* * *

><p>"Like I'm gonna deny Lil' Wayne anything, much less a hot Jew coming on to me, right? Then she got mad at me when I reminded her that she came on to me."<p>

"Huh!"

"Yea man. I was drunk, too, so technically she took advantage of mwah. Oh. Oh and if I wanted to I could get her charged with rape."

Mike paused and looked at his phone as if he could see his best friend through it. _What the hell was Puck talking about? _"Dude, I'm about ninety-nine percent sure, that the courts would throw that case away! In fact, you'd probably get charged with rape instead."

"It don't matter man. It Just don't matter." He slammed his hand on the nightstand beside the bed. "She took advantage of me. Period, exclamation point, all capital letters."

"What the hell are you taking about! You don't put an exclamation point after a period. And you're clearly supposed to make it known that its all caps before you end the sentince."

"That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life, Mike. That's even most stupider than Berry not remembering having wild monkey sex with the Puckasaurus Rex and Lil'Wayne. You know?"

"So what you're saying is she, had a threesome with a dinosaur and a rapper!"

" What? No man! I'm saying she mixed the batter, and I just made the pancakes."

"Alright, so she put the keys in the ignition, but you drove the car?"

"Yea, she gave me the code to the breifcase, I just opened it!"  
>"Oh I get it. Like briefs as in panties. I gotcha, I gotcha. Thats cool man, she gave you the ol' go ahead and you took it.<p>

Puck smirked. "You know it."

"Yea, so how was it?"

* * *

><p>"Last night, I did things that I'm not proud of. Things got a little crazy, you know? And I don't remember a thing." Tears started welling up in her eyes.<p>

"Okay, so you slept with Puck. Just go your seperate ways and forget it ever happened."

In an attempt to stop the raging headache, Rachel closed her eyes. That's when it came to her, the distinct memory of an Elvis impersonator, her in a white dress, and a drunk Puck sliding a ring on her left finger. She looked down at her hand in horror and spoke into the phone.

"Britt, I can't just forget about Puck."

"Why not, sweetie?"

"Cause we got married last night."

* * *

><p>Hey, so how do you guys like it? comment and let us know and we'll get the next chapter up as soon as we can!<p> 


End file.
